…..is what the flight attendant says at the beginning of each flight. The internet has lots of articles about the analogy of the oxygen mask in terms of self care but what happens that so many people feel like they simply can’t do it? “I don’t know it just seems selfish or narcissistic.” Since when is saving your own life narcissistic?
There is a lot in the media about President Trump meeting the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Look up code 301.81 in the DSM5 and decide for yourself but don’t for heavens sake conclude that self care is a form of narcissism.
The words narcissist and narcissistic are already very loaded down with negativity, criticism and misunderstanding.
Healthy narcissism means to possess good self esteem with the ability to have positive emotional experiences with others which requires empathy. Please remember that there is healthy narcissism. To engage in self care is healthy narcissism. One of the criterion of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is lack of empathy. The Presidents’ supporters see the behaviors which scare or offend his non-supporters as confident, take charge and “it’s about time that a president stood up to…..” and his non-supporters see him as lacking empathy and dangerous.
So…. a first step is to unload these distorted beliefs about self care being “narcissistic”, selfish, self centered or otherwise just plain bad. Just put them aside for a bit of time, you can come back and get them if you want.
The second step is to prepare yourself for the push back you may get from people who expect you to do what they want or need at that moment and if you say no, decline or demur may accuse you of being selfish or even uncaring. This is a particularly hard one if you see yourself as a caring and giving person.
Third, if you feel that you must explain to someone why you are not complying with their request or wish do it in a straightforward, kind and firm way. “I’m sorry that I won’t cancel the appointment I have had for three months because you want me to pick you up from the bla, bla, bla at the last minute and it is not an emergency” is not a good example of doing the above.
An Alanon member told me years ago about a wonderful made up word she heard in a meeting, dexify. It “means” defend, explain, justify. It is a helpful term for all people not just those with an alcoholic/addict in their life.
Indeed sometimes we do need to give an explanation, a justification or even a defense about why we choose not to do something another wants from us but not nearly as often as we do. Check out how many times you may begin a sentence with “I’m sorry” when you have not committed a transgression which requires an apology. Alas women seem to do this more than men.
Fourth, self care has to be morally acceptable to you and fit with your value system and how you see yourself walking around the world. There is a wonderful term in psychology ego syntonic, I refer to it often, which essentially means having a value system consistent with your ideal self image. The other side of this is ego dystonic which I describe to patients as feeling like emotional fingernails on the blackboard, people relate to that imagery. Having a value system which rejects healthy self care can create depression, anxiety and resentment and if this resonates for you it may be very helpful for you to talk with a trained mental health professional who can help you explore this issue. This piece of the self care puzzle is often the most difficult if someone comes from a religion, tradition, culture or social group which sees even healthy self care as wrong. Your therapist will help you sit in a neutral position and explore your options at all times but particularly when you feel that you may be betraying your heritage if you make changes.
Lastly, am I suggesting that you necessarily refer to yourself as a “healthy narcissist” as you move around your world? No, the word is probably destined to be misunderstood even with healthy in front of it. However actions are powerful and if someone you are close to you notices that you are taking better care of yourself and asks about it send them a copy of this blog and model for them how healthy self care has made your life better.
When we are not angry, depressed and resentful because we take care of ourselves we have more to give. Ironic isn’t it?
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