Congratulations! You have made it through the first six months of what can only be described as a tumultuous year…politically, socially and psychologically and Fourth of July is here. It is the quintessential American holiday whose formal name is Independence Day. It celebrates the Declaration of Independence which declared the separation of the United States from Great Britain. My family members in England find this odd…why wouldn’t we want the fabulous Queen Elizabeth and scones with clotted cream?
In psychotherapy terms we understand that the need to separate and be independent creates growth. The “terrible twos” and the teen years are examples of becoming independent….for better or worse.
When patients leave my office around the July 4th holiday I sometimes say “celebrate your independence” and they often chuckle or grimace depending on what is going on in their lives. We Americans very much prize our personal independence and get it confused with healthy dependence and interdependence. The American idea that asking for help is a sign of lack of resolve or weakness and may even signify low character gets us in trouble….all the time.
My comment to patients about the act of celebrating ones independence has to do with the difference between fostering healthy interdependence with loved ones, family, friends, chums, workmates and the community and clinging to beliefs and actions which don’t work to help us feel authentic and “real” and can make us feel very alone which is just alone, not independent. Big difference. Yes, there are some things we sometimes just need to do because it is personally ethical and then there are other things we do as a result of the dependence on old beliefs which no longer work in our lives in a healthy and productive way. These fixed beliefs may have helped us cope and manage and we have come to depend on them but perhaps long past their helpful expiration date. Healthy independence does not mean pitching these beliefs and ways of acting out on the road. It means replacing them with dependable beliefs which fit your life now. This requires some judicious risk. It does not require alienating those around you but it does mean knowing that some close to you may not like your healthier independence.
So however you celebrate July 4th whether with hot dogs made of mystery meat and potato chips or tofu dogs and kale chips think about how you celebrate yourself. Lovingly discarding the outdated fixed beliefs and feelings you have depended on and taking the risk to think and feel a bit differently about what makes you an independent, contented person.
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